Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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