But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So squirting runs in the family.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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