I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
