my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
