It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
