After last night, I could never be a politician.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
