Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
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You. Win. At. Life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
