It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
