No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
