Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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