shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
