"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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