Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
