I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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