dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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