My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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