it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize