I think my fart just growled at me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
