I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Say something about gay babies.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
