Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
