with your own penis?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
