I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
