For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
