theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I didn't notice because vodka
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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