I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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