Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
