if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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