I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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