Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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