btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Randomize
