onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
