you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
