what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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