I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
