those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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