Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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