somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
