my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
