Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
