U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
