seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
