Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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