You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
