Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
