i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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