I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
