The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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