take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
