I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
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Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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