Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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