i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
