Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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