I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
