3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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