ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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