we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
