So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
